I’m hoping to open a strip club in Mobile, Alabama. Can you give me a little advice – maybe a hint or two to shorten my learning curve?

Jesse, Fairhope, Alabama

Sure thing, Jesse. I’m not familiar with the sexually oriented business laws in Mobile but assuming you’ll get the go-ahead from the powers that be; my suggestion is to forget the whole idea unless, of course, you’re fully prepared for governmental harassment, a tar and feathering by irate citizens and the snubbing of your closest friends. If you’re still committed and you enjoy working with sideshow freaks, drug addicts, alcoholics and the most dysfunctional group of employees and partygoers on the planet…then, good luck.

What’s the best way to get myself a stripper or two – for personal pleasure?

Mike M., San Bernardino, California

Hey man, ask me something original. Everyone wants to know how to solicit a stripper. Here’s my dyed-in-the-wool standard answer. The easy way to get a stripper’s attention is for the girls to see the bulge in your pants. That is, an over-stuffed wallet with plenty of Benjamins does the trick 99 times out of 100. After all, the girls are into this racket for the moolah and you can satisfy their craving for the big bucks. Don’t have a lot of money, Mike? Then charm the pants off them with charisma, laughter and the promise of love. There’s nothing in between.

Can I become a rich bitch by just showing my boobs? Is it true that a stripper makes a lot of money?

Hilda, Fort Lauderdale, Florida

Oh, Hilda, if you’re like the million and one other strippers in America, you will make a fortune but don’t count on keeping it. Most likely, you’ll squander the easy-come, easy-go money on gambling, obsessive drinking and drug-induced pleasures. What’s left will probably be gifted or stolen by your bad beat boyfriend. Yet, if you’ve got stamina, discipline and treat your body and soul as the primary product of a private enterprise…you might make it. You have an opportunity to be the richest, bitchiest broad in town.

Why did you write these books about yourself and your strip clubs? What’s in for you?

Rob, Shreveport, Louisiana

Absolutely nothing, Rob. Writing and publishing is not a get rich quick scheme, In fact, most writers never quite complete their work and even when they do – the authors still suffer with little return for their effort. I feel that what I reveal in my books is a seldom heard point of view which is especially credible since I’m the owner and operator of well known strip clubs in America. What I say needs to be said whether you agree or not.

My doctor says I’m too young to get my breasts enlarged but I’m going to Mexico, anyway. What size should I make myself to make the most money?

Rose (my professional name), Dayton, Ohio

Rose, you sweet thing, if you’re too young for a breast augmentation then you’re certainly much too young to be showing your stuff in a strip club. Yet, I’ve seen teenage girls parading on stage everywhere. If you’re like the other airhead strippers I know, you won’t listen to a word I say. Going to Mexico? My advice – get the biggest, baldest, most humongous headers that will still allow you to stand upright without falling over. Big boobs translate to big bucks.

You say ex-cons make the best strip club owners. Why is that?

Enrique, (Presently incarcerated)

Sophisticated education, strong family ties, well balanced lifestyle and other good qualities that serve as a basis for a successful businessman mean diddly squat in a strip club. If you’re a graduate of the street with a hard knock education and you can back yourself up with “I say what I mean and I mean what I say” leadership then get yourself some of the gold. Many of my strip club owning pals are ex-cons who prove my point.

Why did you “fool around” with your strippers? Isn’t that bad for business? Aren’t you afraid of some sexual harassment claims?

Gary S., Houston, Texas

Gary, I’m only human. I didn’t intend to get personally involved with the strippers but my own sexual addiction took hold of me. As you probably know, high-risk behavior is part and parcel of sexual addiction. With all these gorgeous girls teasing and taunting me, I succumbed…and with pleasure. Believe me, I more than paid for the privilege. Most relationships cost me a pretty penny.

You’re a damn woman hater! What did your mother do to you that caused you so much pain?

Wendy, Madison, Wisconsin

Insightful, Wendy. My mother wasn’t alone in her emotional mutilation of her eldest son. My former wives and girlfriends galore were all picked from the same barrel of rotten apples. I took so many bites of the poisonous fruit that its’ taken years of therapy and the passage of time for me to recognize my toxic build up. Hopefully, I’ve shed many of my dysfunctions without picking up other maladies to replace them.

You say that you staff your clubs with prostitutes. How does that work out for you? Are you a pimp?

Danny, Buffalo,NY

Works out great for me. Some counties within the State of Nevada permit legal brothels. The working girls visit Las Vegas from time to time for their typical rest and relaxation periods. Some of the ladies take up stripping at the Girls of Glitter Gulch as a way of paying for their Las Vegas vacation. These career prostitutes have always been forthright with me. When I learn that a particular stripper is a legally licensed prostitute, I can count on her to follow the rules to the “t”.

Of all the interesting characters you’ve dealt with, who are your most fascinating?

Roland, Washington,DC

There are hundreds; perhaps thousands of memorable guys and gals but three come immediately to mind. Each of these characters is fully described in my books.

The first is Rev. Robbie, the father of Bolly, the enormously endowed, Black Dolly Parton who stripped at my Las Vegas club to earn enough money for a breast reduction. Her dad, a very popular and influential minister in Las Vegas gave me an ultimatum, which I wisely adopted. His daughter never stepped foot inside the Girls of Glitter Gulch once the Rev. Robbie “advised” me of the consequences should I not take his advice.

Then there is Psycho, the stripper recently released from a mental institution and who can recite enough psycho-babble to fool anyone into believing that she knows what she’s talking about. Yet, she converted Silent Sam, one of my loneliest, quietest customers into a Mr. Motor Mouth.

And there was Eddie, the Mississippi Mauler, a boxer with enormous pugilistic potential who met up with Delilah, a New Orleans stripper. He gave it all up for her including his diamond encrusted Rolex. Eddie’s manager threw in the white towel in the first round of what could have been a step into a championship bout.

Herb, will you ever forgive me? I loved you back then but didn’t appreciate your kindness. Is there still a chance we might hook up again?

Ivy, Back home in Taylorsville

I’ll always carry our relationship in my heart. I loved you too, Ivy…more than you can imagine but with more than ten years since we shared our love plus with my getting wise to your shenanigans suggests that it’ll be best to keep you at arms length.

What prompted you to become a carny hustler while still in high school?

Lucky Louie, Tallahassee, Florida

Money…and the lack of it is the simple answer. Working in my uncle’s auto repair shop offered my a few bucks a week but I needed more. Opening a pitch-tent was easy enough. It required only a few bucks for some inventory and a rented audio system to broadcast my spiel to the passers-by. I’ve mentioned this before – everything I’ve learned in life – I learned first as a carnival pitchman. “OKAY FOLKS, STEP RIGHT UP…THERE’S A FREE GIFT FOR EVERYONE…”

Which businesses do you prefer operating – your casinos or your strip clubs?

Earl, Apache Junction, Arizona

Love them both for different reasons.  Casino customers tend to be disappointed since the overwhelming majority of them lose. Although I tried to make their casino experience somewhat pleasurable with free gifts and complimentary service, it was a major task. Still, I never lost sight of my objective, which was to separate the money from the man.  Strip club clients are overjoyed to be where they are. They love the environment of beautiful naked girls more than willing to share their sexual hi-jinks. Strip clubs are pleasure palaces. My patrons have a marvelous experience and come back for more time and time again. It’s easy –shove a tit or ass in their face – and they’re easy pickin’s.

Your books are full of freaks. Anything or anyone normal in your strip clubs?

Tikkie, Gary, Indiana

You want normal? Go to a movie. Read a book. Have dinner at Denny’s.  Strippers and their consorts are not necessarily freaks but they do create a quirky sideshow. What do you expect? I stir up a pot of alcoholics, drug users, sex addicts and dysfunctional personalities to get a soup worth sipping.

My daughter’s a stripper. I gave her permission because she said “There’s a lot of money to be made.” That’s bullshit.

Disappointed Dad, Carson City, Nevada

You want my best guess, daddy? She’s making bank but keeping it outta your reach.